Friday, September 9, 2011

Post #3 Application Letter

Zhou Yi
XXXXX Residence XXXXXX
#XX-XXXX XXXX
XX XXXX Avenue
Singapore XXXXXX


7th September 2011

XX XXXXX Rd
#XX-XX XXXX Tower XX
Singapore XXXXXX

Dear Sir or Madam,
RE: Internship - Project Management & Business Development, Job Ref No. AL_MN_IN_081

I am enclosing my resume in response to your advertisement for the above post which was posted on the XX Website (http://XXXX.XXXX.com.sg/) on 18th August 2011.

I study in Sun Yat-Sen University and will be graduating on July 2013 with Bachelor degree in Mathematical and Computational Science. I am now an exchange student of the National University of Singapore (NUS), School of Computing. I did short-term internships in the news department of the Shaoguan Local Television Centre and the lab of Shenzhen Institute of Telecommunications during the winter and summer vacations of my first year college. I feel that these demonstrate my verbal and written communication abilities. Also, my experience as the venue volunteer of the Opening and Closing Ceremony Operating Office of the 16th Asian Games shows that I am a motivated and organized person who is a self-starter and can multi-task. I think my two years first prize scholarship of school fund surly demonstrate my academic leadership. I believe I can manage the work with Sales Analyst and have a better understanding of IT area projects, as I am currently study mathematics and computational science.

I’m interested in IT area. The internship your company offered will give me a chance to apply what I’m learning during my college. I do hope that you will look favorably at my application. I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

Zhou Yi (Ms)
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Hey guys,feel free to leave your comments:)Thank you!


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5 comments:

  1. Klara ChuaSeptember 10, 2011 at 2:37 AM

    Hi Zoey,

    Can you attach the link on the blog post as well, so that we can take a look at the advertisement?

    I feel that the information provided is fine but maybe you can divide the 2nd paragraph to make it more even looking. (Probably at the part where you begin “Also, my experience as…”)

    Instead of using the word “Also”, you may like to substitute it with “In addition”.

    The last sentence of the 2nd paragraph, where you wrote “… as I am currently study…” should be “… as I am currently studying…”.

    The 2nd sentence of the last paragraph where it says “The internship your company offered…”; is the offer over? If not, then it should be “offers” or “is offering”.

    Everything else looks good :))

    ReplyDelete
  2. ZoeySeptember 10, 2011 at 2:49 AM

    @Klara: Hi! Thanks a lot for your comment and advice!Yes,I should focus more on the details.The website link is here:http://jobs.monster.com.sg/details/10220551.html?sig=js-4-74c624ddc6b5fccb2674e7b27159e7e2-1&from=
    Thanks again :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. lance tanSeptember 11, 2011 at 1:09 PM

    Hi Zoey, I agree with Klara that the main bulk paragraph should be divided into at least 2 sub-paragraphs to ensure that each point stands out on it's own.

    I feel that your experiences at internships and other volunteer work gives you an edge over other applicants hence it is important that you make sure these attributes do not go unnoticed.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousSeptember 13, 2011 at 7:39 AM

    Hello Zoey!

    I spotted a few things which you can pay attention to and improve on :)

    I think that the last two sentences of the current main paragraph can be improved on. For example, maybe the sentence structure of the second last sentence can be improved to 'I have received first prize as part of my school/university scholarship fund for two years, demonstrating my strong academic leadership'?

    The last sentence of the 'main' paragraph about '.... as I am currently study mathematics and computational science.' seems repeated as you said that at the start of the paragraph. So maybe you can bring the sentence to the start of the paragraph?

    Having said that, I too agree with Klara and Lance about the main paragraph being too long, so do break it down into two paragraphs for easier reading :)


    Some smaller issues -----
    *'I study in Sun Yat-Sen University..' -> I think it should be 'I am studying/ I am currently studying...'
    *Typo errors such as 'surly' or 'study' instead of studying'
    *If I am not wrong, we should use 'I am' instead of 'I'm' in formal writing.

    Otherwise, the letter should be okay :)

    huixin

    ReplyDelete
  5. ZoeySeptember 13, 2011 at 8:04 AM

    @Lance:
    Hi! Thank you for your advice! Yes, I would break the main paragraph into two part,and make it more concise!
    @Hui Xin:
    Hi! Thanks for your advice!I think you tell me a lot about my application letter's drawback!
    I just forgot to modify all the "I'm" into "I am ".
    I will modify them in my hardcopy. :)

    ReplyDelete

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